I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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