Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize