Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
