No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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