The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Randomize
