The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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