At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize