here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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