1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize