Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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