I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize