The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
