It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
