Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
birth control should be required to get into college
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
