woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
