DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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