Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
