I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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