she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
