God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize