There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
