what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
