I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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