Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
