I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
