1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
