i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where is the hickey?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
