I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
