i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
