I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
