Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
time to smoke my breakfast
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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