I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
