we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
