No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
