I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
