You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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