i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
