Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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