the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
