Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
