I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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