life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
