Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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