please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
