fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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