matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
