Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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