I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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