I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
