Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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