Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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