fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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