So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
