apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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