I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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