She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
