remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
