Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
